ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
