He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
