Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
