I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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