Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
