the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
