I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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