genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
