so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
