I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
