Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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