you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
