I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
