Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
