life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
