1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
