life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We just shotgunned beers for America
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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