My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
