my being single is dangerous.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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