I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need water and some morals
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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