Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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