I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your penis caused this!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
