I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
