his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
