she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
