Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
