I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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