Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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