Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
