i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have aggressive nipples.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
