I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
