I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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