you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
