she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
