I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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