Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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