hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
