New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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