But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
