we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Farmville is her only friend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
