I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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