Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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