Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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