You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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