Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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