Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
