my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
