If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
