Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
