if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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